It has come to my attention that people ask new mothers stupid questions.  Passive aggressive sort of questions that make them feel bad.  So, new moms, I have come up with a sort of cheat sheet if you will in case you get tongue tied or want to tie some tongues; whatever the case may be.

Can I hold your baby?

a) No, I’m bonding.
b) You can’t unless you’ve had classes.
c) Yes right now and for as long as you can stand it- my arms are exhausted and my hips haven’t stopped swaying since day 1.  I feel like Dancing Elmo except he’s a bit more fluid then I am.

Are you breastfeeding?  And if not….why not?

a) Why, are you hungry?
b) Not unless you think I should.
c) Nunnya- as in none of your business why I am or why I am not- I don’t have to explain myself to you or the La Leche league no matter how strongly you might feel.

Have you let them cry it out yet?

a) NO, but I was thinking I might start tonight.  You’re house 8:00?
b) Absolutely, I believe in hurting their feelings right off the bat- keeps their expectations low.
c) I’m looking for a good psychologist for them first so after they cry it out then we can all talk about their feelings.

Oh gosh- you let them have a pacifier?

a) Sure, it’s real good at shutting them up- want one?
b) NO, he just up and went to the store and got it himself.  Independent lil guy huh?
c) Yes, and next it’s gonna be a big old cigar- it helps em get orally fixated right off the bat.

Don’t you ever get out?

a) Yes, all the time.  I just tuck all this excess flesh in a pair of peg legs and head out the door- dinner, dancing, the works.
b) Yes, yes, after an all-nighter with a screaming baby the first thing I want to do is apply some fresh makeup and really wow my hubby.
c) Why is your talking interrupting my snoring?

Are you expecting?

a) Is someone talking or is that just your mouth moving?
b) Expecting my fist to meet your face soon- yes.
c) Expecting you to have more common sense then to ask a woman with a small child who is carrying a little weight around the waistline if she’s got a bun in the oven.  If she ain’t on the way to the delivery room really it’s just best not to ask.

Any questions?