Thoughts on Father’s Day
Nicole McMullin
Jun 16, 2008
I overheard my husband say to our daughter yesterday that hearing her voice, as she babbled while playing in the floor, was the best present he could have on Father’s Day.
That moment was one of the highlights of the day and I resisted the urge to dig out the receipt for his cordless drill.
After searching the Bon Air area for a great breakfast for the new papa, and ending up with coffee at Starbucks, we stayed at home the rest of the afternoon playing, napping and enjoying our family time together.
Gifts were given - my husband specifically requested the drill - and we were intentionally non-productive. The Kid is crawling and pulling herself up on the furniture so we spent a lot of time guiding her around the room.
While fixing dinner (just spaghetti, I didn’t plan well), I realized for the first time that as a parent I see people through a different lens than I did prior to having a child. My heart melts when I see my husband and daughter playing together and I am proud of the father that he is to our child.
I have always found it somewhat easy to be non-judgmental of people’s decisions in life and forgiving of their mistakes. I prescribe to the Nick Hornby idea that “it’s what you like, not what you’re like.” (“High Fidelity”)
In the case of my own father, we do not have a relationship and I have been OK with that for a long time. Fatherhood didn’t work out for him. Our lives have gone on.
But yesterday, while watching my husband play with our daughter, I felt for the first time that when it comes to parenthood there are no free passes. As a parent, it is about “what you’re like.”
There are so many ways to screw it up - I have and will continue to make mistakes. But mistakes while trying are different than not trying at all. Parenthood is an honor.
I am proud of the boy I married. He’s come a long way from his blue hair and wardrobe purchased at the military surplus store. While he still prefers T-shirts from his favorite bands, bristles at the idea of wearing a suit and continues to cultivate an anti-establishment attitude, he does so now with a kid in tow and with her best interest at heart.
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My friends wife left the kids and him right before Father’s Day.
Anyway, I have this email to share:
Irrational thinking: tells you to leave for ‘the kids benefit’ [ I know now that is a load of crap]. It’s selfish and self-centered as most of us know.
Rational thinking: tells you to look within, to change ‘me’ and ‘my’ perspective first, and things can change and don’t run away.
In the end, we destroy our own love.
Bottom line:
Conditional Love: focuses on ‘me’ and ‘my needs, feelings etc’. When you do this, you are never fulfilled, and unhappy, even though that is what you seek. You love only ‘if’ they do what you demand and ‘if’ they agree with you. You build walls and don’t want to discuss ‘it’ with loved ones.
Unconditional Love: focuses on others, their needs etc. When you do this, you are fulfilled and happy as a result of giving. This shift in thinking is all it takes to affect change within ‘you’’. You love ‘no matter what’. You build bridges of understanding through discussion with loved ones whether they agree with you or not.
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Why did Mommy leave me?
Her little girl watched as she walked out the door
Her little blue eyes just seem to say, don’t leve me
Come back mommy to stay...I’ll be good
She looked up at her daddy and through the tears she asked
These questions about the woman to her that was so dear.
Who is going to be here to tuck me in at night?
Who is going to be here to make sure I say my prayers just right?
Who is going to be here to play with me and to quiet all my fears?
Who is going to be here daddy?
Who is going to be my mommy?
Then her daddy through his own tears
Just looked down at her and gently
He said little one so dear, here is what I say
Your mommy loves another, but not in the same way.
Don’t worry about those things
Because I will never leave you....I’ll be here to stay
Your heart will always be with her no matter where she strays.
The little girl just stared some more. She said daddy, I will miss her
She is my mommy and she always will be
I know that she knows that I love her,
But why, oh why, won’t she stay?
Why did she choose to go away?
I need her in my life so much.
To watch me grow and play.
I need her to guide me along the way.
To guide me the way that only a mommy can.
I need her arms to hug me and to tell me when I am wrong.
I need her loving hands to wipe away my tears.
She will always have a place in my heart
NO matter where she goes.
I pray that God will help her
And guide her on her way
Send down your angels Lord
To protect her as she goes.
Lord I pray that you will bring her home to me.
For she is my mommy and I need her here to stay.
I need her everyday!
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I was that little girl and today I have no feelings for her. Not love, not hatred,
just an understanding of what she did and why she said she did it
(she was “miserable and wanted to be ‘happy’ “ - she is still ‘not’ happy - but I am! ) Annie Marie in 1973
Km of Richmond
Jul. 14, 2008 at 01:32 PM
sweet post nicole
becky
Jun. 19, 2008 at 06:42 PM
There is something with daughters and dads, and even though I am a daughter myself, I can’t describe it. I just know that as much as the boys were loved in my family, I secretly had this daddy connection that neither Mark nor Michael had.
As I see my new Husband and Babe together, I can instantly see she has a huge crush on daddy-o and he the same.
It’s really cute to see them together. Like Abby, I’m content just to watch the action.
Mair of Richmond
Jun. 18, 2008 at 10:20 AM
My 19-year old made her Dad a cake last night...at 10:30 pm. It was a train wreck, so loaded with frosting that it caved in on one side. On it she wrote “I *heart* The Bear” which is her nickname for him (he’s big and grouchy). They laughed uproariously. They held their sides and laughed until they groaned. I watched awhile then went to bed, smiling and shaking my head.
Daughters and Dads. There’s something special that defies definition there. No matter how you try to describe it, they’ll fool you every time, leaving you shaking your head, smiling, shuffling off to bed while they lick the icing off the spoon.
Abby
Jun. 16, 2008 at 03:46 PM
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